UKC

Grumpy Victor Meldrew alert.

I was taught that you only ask this question of people you know. For the rest, it’s none of your business. We get it at supermarket checkouts, and people cold calling on the phone. I keep thinking I’ll reply “Just got a cancer diagnosis”, but as my Mum would have said, don’t tempt providence.

Anyone got a better reply that isn’t a manners lecture?

Pretend to have misheard, and answer the question "who are you today" instead?

I think you may have been mistaught, asking how someone is can serve as a great way of starting a conversation.

Give it a try, there are loads of interesting people out there that you may never have the pleasure of talking to if you are too stuffy

I don't think this is right.  "How are you?" was always a perfectly acceptable question for a stranger to ask*, and in reply to a stranger the acceptable answers range from "Fine thanks." to "Mustn't grumble."  What you don't do with people you don't know is answer honestly if you have, for example, just had a cancer diagnosis.

* Come to think of it, "How do you do?" was the traditional formal greeting among Brits meeting as strangers until not all that long ago.  Rhetorical question of course, it would have been an embarrassing breach of etiquette to actually answer.

As above.  "Fine thanks." or "Mustn't grumble."  Or use one of the machines to largely avoid having to interact with a human at the supermarket checkout.  Or go to Lidl where they don't have time to chat as you're piling the shopping back into the trolley prior to taking it over to the shelf of shame to pack it into bags.

It does seem to be more common for people I come across at work to ask this . I too find it annoying, so tend to just ignore it and carry on, though I could just as easily be a little less curmudgeonly and say 'fine thanks', then carry on the interaction. 
Maybe people are genuinely more interested in the wellbeing of strangers after the last year-and-a-bit of shittiness and I should be less uptight (people other than my colleagues, I mean. I'm not so uptight as to grudge personal pleasantries with people I work with every day).

Or I suppose I could view it as a new take on the more traditional 'how do you do?', or 'alright?', which as far as I'm concerned are both rhetorical questions and I wouldn't expect an actual answer 

Come to think of it, "How do you do?" was the traditional formal greeting among Brits meeting as strangers until not all that long ago.

Oops, beat me to it!

I find that a vague grunt without making eye contact usually kills any chance of a conversation satisfactorily; the last thing one wants is it to move on to an enquiry about one's plans for the rest of the day.

Standard start of my therapy session each week:
Therapist: 'Hi, how are you?'
Me: 'Great thanks, you?'
Therapist: 'Good, so how has your week been?'
Me: 'I've not been too good.....'

Its just an English version of 'Hello' at this point - do the dance and carry on

Giving how often in the Peak the usual greeting with passing walkers is "how do" I suggest you don't go walking in the Peak.

Or worse “been up to much today?”.  Grrrr

Do like everyone does: Say "Fine" regardless of reality, and leave it at that

Just say "Fine"

The whole "how are you today?" thing is just conversational bubble gum anyway. The stranger asking isn't interested, the person being asked isn't interested in a meaningful reply. Honestly, you may as well be grunting at each other.

So, one syllable answer and crack on with your day.

The much less formal "Alright?" hadn't occurred to me though.

I'm sure you're right.  Also, incredible as it may seem to grumpy old gits like the OP (and myself), many people were genuinely interested in the wellbeing of strangers even before. 

Besides the 'tempting providence' aspect of it I suspect the OP's proposed 'lying about just having had a cancer diagnosis' approach might backfire by eliciting genuine sympathy and concern and leaving him feeling absolutely wretched about telling such an egregious lie (or at least deserving to), and having to shop elsewhere in future to avoid further sympathy and concern, and follow-up questions.

I agree, although not as bad as the written “I hope this email finds you well”!

yes and the traditional reply was to reciprocate with how do you do/hello  as a greeting.

so I think I'll just repeat back the words I hear.  I also don't like "Yourrite?" from strangers.

definitely - if someone I've never seen before asks me how I am gratuitously it feels like being stalked.  Perhaps I should reply with "are you happy that you are where you think you are?" in the hills.

A concealed speaker on a scree slope randomly calling out these inane queries to strangers on nearby paths might feel like justice.  As evening comes it could change to "could you lend me a bob for the fare home?" or similar coming out of thin air.

Come to think of it replying to impertinent strangers queries with an indication of a forgotten wallet and request for a loan might be quite good. Someone might be silly enough to part with a couple of quid!

It is a question I now associate with scam callers as I put the phone down.

Perhaps an inquiry as to the nature of the caller's underwear "today" might be in order.

Hi Rog. As someone who sometimes works a till I always try to be ready with an appropriate response to these situations. 'What kind of cancer? Ooh that's a nasty one. Still, survival rates are a bit better than 20 years ago. Chin up! Would you like a receipt?'

Always be positive!

I struggle a bit with this too but try and remind myself that it's just a way of saying hello. Also, I think you have to be aware that many people are forced to ask these questions in their job and really have no choice - so if you don't like it, imagine how they might feel?  Minimum wage with the extra demand of mandatory cheerfulness and positivity .... nightmare.

It does feel a bit false though, so I sometimes try and answer semi-honestly but briefly.  Obviously easy if you are feeling fine but sometimes I've found myself saying that I'm feeling rushed or stressed, or have had a long day ... and I've found that actually it's normally OK to say something other than 'fine thanks'. They offer a platitude usually and it kind of feels OK and less false.  Obviously, if the truth were something really terrible, or a bit taboo then it's not so easy. But maybe it's worth a try to be a bit honest, even in those circumstances? It'd be interesting at least.

I know a couple of people that you have to remember to only greet with "hello", any form of "how are you?" or "how's it going?" and they will tell you, in detail!

Several of the checkout staff in Tesco know about my recent brush with sciatica - well they did ask how I was and I feel compelled to inform them... In some way I think I am doing them a favour by pointing out the benefits of not having sciatica, as in counting your blessings!

This is what caused me to post this morning. Wasting my time and asking me “how are you today” in a very patronising tone was just a bit too much for me.

Are you registered with the TPS?
https://www.tpsonline.org.uk/

Yes: these questions are part of their 'customer interaction' training. I reserve my contempt for the corporate management, not the poor staff 'encouraged' into this sort of interaction.

Doesn't help with the overseas calls, or the various 'government insulation' callers, or the dodgy companies that don't care about TPS.

I make a point of saying "How do", to anyone I meet on the hills and mountains all over the world. Most of the time it is ignored, but there have been several occaisions when it has been answered enthusiastically, the last time being two years ago halfway up the ladders from the Mer de Glace to Montenvers. One of the two girls, replied, "Oooh, are you from Sheffield?" and I replied in the affirmative.

"Wherebouts?"
"Lodge Moor"
"Me too, what road?"

Turned out she lived just around the corner from where I live.
I've also managed to identify fellow Yorkshire natives in the Grand Canyon, Athens and Tusany, and many times in the Alps.

Yes. Doesn’t stop the calls.

I'm with you brother. Bloody intrusive. In fact, it's right up there with "So, are you going anywhere nice on your holidays?" when you're at the barbers. 

In an ideal world, I enter into a simple transaction where I exchange cash for a hair cut. In reality, I shy from letting them know that I've booked a week in Skegness, and confidently reply "Well, since you ask, I'm looking forward to a Caribbean cruise, followed by 3 weeks in the Maldives."

... I then have to go through with it, because they've requested postcards. It costs me a bloody fortune! This is the reason that I only have an annual hair cut. 

Clippers. Hair, not tea.

Then you never have to endure inane barber questions about holidays or football.

After a few glasses of wine, my Dad once cheerily proclaimed 'When people ask how you are...they don't want to know.' Social convention was the context, and about how deep an answer people are after/is the right one to give.

I don't mind being asked how I am in retail contexts...or giving deep answers in social settings (if appropriate).

Whatever you reply please please don't say "I'm good, thank you"

Being good has got nothing to do with your state of health, it just means "I'm not being naughty"

Being of a somewhat literal nature, I struggle with the question, until I remember that they dont really want to know, and it's just a (sometimes contrived) social nicety...

And don't say "Thank you."... It's a sign of weakness. 

The best bet is to reply "I'm better than you'll EVER be!... Have you got a problem with that?" and then crack your knuckles and begin to bark. 

Hoot, surely...?

Ah well.  Worth checking.  It probably does stop some calls, just not the ones you're still getting obvs.  In that case it strikes me that the correct answer to "how are you" is "pissed off that I'm answering this call".  It's worth trying to find out who they are, if they're UK based and just ignoring the register I believe they can be fined quite heavily if you report them.

It seems very unfair that you're lumping supermarket checkout operators in with illegal cold callers though.  Incredible as it may seem to curmudgeonly old gits there are a lot of lonely old gits out there who actually quite look forward to a brief conversation with a chatty person working in a shop.

Are you nuts?... Any owl that cracked its knuckles would struggle to fly. 

youtube.com/watch?v=ZIFCWpn4qQ4&

I think it's taken until my late 30's or turning 40 to 'get a sense of people'. I find that it bugs me when people talk about doing something and then nothing happening, with an engineering parent I potentially seem to have acquired a literal streak from them, and I have to remind myself of 'social chatter and fluff' being different to something more concrete (or meaningful). 

There's an interesting/quirky meme about people with Asperger's and neurotypical people, along the lines of neurotypicals often having bad memories, and saying things they don't mean (among other quirks).

Asperger's vs. neurotypical?... How about those people who identify all along the autistic spectrum? Don't be so mind binary!

It does my nut in, and I'll gladly take the head - not what you think, ya big pervert: basically, standing on it, prior to playing sport - in protest. 

Don't shoot the messenger, I just remembered the meme.

You're absolutely right, tho, it is indeed not a binary thing, have a like.

The trick is to get your "ey up" in before their "'ow do", leaving the ball in their court. If this fails and you have to acknowledge their 'ow do, either a curt nod, or "nah then" will complete the ceremony and both parties can depart remaining happily oblivious of each other's true well-being.

I would regard it as a dreadful solecism if anyone responded to my 'ow do by actually telling me how they are.

"Ah'm reet 'Bert... Tha' self?" 

I usually reply "living the dream", "Top banana", or "fan f*cking tastic" and hope that the demented look on my face accurately conveys the lack of truth in my response.

Ah, now - that's the prelude to a much more leisurely, protracted discussion of ailments between Bert and thee, which is fair game as you know Bert and Bert knows you. But foreigners, i.e. anyone not from rahnd these parts, by which I mean anyone whose grandparents you didn't know by first name, are another thing entirely.

Absolutely.

Reminds me of growing up in Sheffield, and being friends with a lad from a farm on the outskirts, being close to his grandparents who lived not far away. I stopped for a chat a couple of years ago when he was visiting his parents and was outside, and everybody local who drove past seemed to stop to say hello and ask after him and his family.

"Fine, how are you?"

If anyone says “I’m good” to me I tend to reply “we’ll be the judge of that”.

"Sick of having to ask how people are today..."

Precisely... Non-local until you've at least 5 generations in t'churchyard serry. There's ailments! 

How do is just fine with me

I have an outdoor internal IFF transponder that emits the same response sometimes

As it goes, I got asked yesterday, with every indication of sincere interest and expectation for an actual answer, 'how are you doing this evening?'. He was American, though, so probably was genuinely enquiring, having not yet got the hang of keeping niceties to curt minimum

"A'do kidda. Ow b'ist?"

"Bay too bah. Owamya?"

"Orright, aer kid"

Job done.

I normally reply "special". 

lol- been there. you do get some who like to chat and scan fast to show they've mastered the art..

youtube.com/watch?v=880KbkT_ihM&

There's all sorts to be pissed off about in this world and you decide that someone asking "how are you?" is worthy of a thread.

Are you alright?

A journey of a thousand moans begins with the first gripe.

That’s right up there with “Can I get…”

"Tha' self"? I don't answer foreigners who don't say "Thi' sen"

Yep, if I ever go to see the doctor and he asks how I am the reply is fine thanks. Then go on to discuss what is actually wrong.  

I was taught that good manners cost nothing. Yes, supermarkets aren't my favourite places but most of staff are polite and helpful. They're also mostly low paid woman with troubles of their own. During the pandemic this workforce has stepped up, kept working and helped ensure we all got wait we needed. Take a minute off being the centre of the universe and engage with them.

My hip hurts, I tweaked my elbow a few weeks ago, bit knackered after starting back at work 5 days/week....but you know mustn't grumble.....

TBH when I clicked on the thread I thought it was the nicer more empaphtic side of UKC coming out....shame.....there's too much anger hereabouts....

I always like: 'How's it hanging'

Can be taken in different ways, you never know someone could take it as a question about that last boulder problem, or er..

You forgot "fair to middle-ing" as my late father would say.

“I make a point of saying "How do", to anyone I meet on the hills and mountains all over the world. Most of the time it is ignored”…

Greeting folk in the hills is normal behaviour in Scotland. Occasionally it turns into a conversation, or even a friendship. Other times just a pleasant exchange. 
I suspect that in the U.K. we get better shop workers and care workers than we deserve, many of whom are actually interested in (i) doing a good job and (ii) making their clients/customers happy. It’s a shame when folk respond to that by being affronted by it.

I'm being affronted by it from the other way, though (well, not affronted, but I'm not a fan) - constantly being asked 'how are you doing' by customers who are expecting an actual response gets quite trying, I find.
'Morning, how's it going, can I buy these please?' is, to my mind, a perfect beginning to the interaction, since they're making socially mandated pleasantries but not pushing for detailed engagement. 
Whereas someone I've never met before who says, 'hello, how are you?' and then pauses, actually wanting a response is (I think) veering over the border of 'pleasantries' into 'prying'. I can easily just say 'fine' and everything moves on, but that seems rather curt, possibly rude, even, and being forced into that position riles me somehow. And if it happens repeatedly it gets wearying.

Probably this is all overthinking things, but it's interesting to delve deeper into different perspectives on social interactions, and realise how complex and fraught with potential for unintended offence something so apparently trivial as 'how are you' can be

Probably?!

I thought it was only Ron who said "How do".

The things you learn on UKC 😁

"How do?" is an excellent and non intrusive greeting.  No issue with that, almost the same as if someone said "How do you do?" and pretty well identical to "Nice morning" in its inoffensiveness.

But someone asking me "How are you?" is different entirely and always has been.  "Today" as a suffix seems to imply a right to intrude thus on my personal space based on some implied knowledge that I might have been different on some other day. "Today" used like this is nothing other than impertinent.

Perfectly acceptable inquiry from someone in an appropriate setting to whom I've surrendered my personal space but not from an absolute stranger.

There a website for Three Pebble Slab!! Who knew?

I agree with every word.

I thing “how do” - it doesn’t even need a question mark - has been used by cyclists for generations when they meet a fellow cyclist going the other way. If you imagine saying “how are you today?” In the same scenario you’ll see what a yawning gap there is between the two apparently similar greetings.

Bants.

Geographically speaking, there's quite a big overlap between "ow do" and "ey up" isn't there?  Can anyone shed a bit of light on the etiquette of which greeting it's more appropriate to use when?

Also, where does "now then" (or "nahden" for South Yorkshire dee-dahs) fit in to the picture?

definitely features in Cumbria - from farmers or gamekeepers (and not in a bad way)

For these types of call a call-blocking phone such as the BT8610* works almost every time.  You configure it so that any call from a number not in the contact list on the phone is sent to a call screening system which asks the caller to state who they are.  The handset does not ring while this is happening so you're not even aware of it until the phone itself calls to say that a call from is waiting, and you can then accept it, reject it or send it to the answering machine.  The only service you need from your landline provider is caller ID, which I believe most include as part of their standard bundles these days.

The reason this works so well is that the majority of auto-diallers will hang up as soon as they detect an automated answer, whether it's the answering machine or the call screener.  So you never even get to know that an unsolicited call had been attempted.  Contrariwise, I've never had a legitimate caller not announce themselves and wait for the call to be accepted.

Doesn't work for mobiles, but it's much easier to report spam calls on mobiles these days.  On mine, anyway: as soon as I hang up the call (which I do as soon as I realise it's unsolicited nonsense, I can't be bothered wasting my time with trying to"prank" the caller) my phone asks whether the call should be reported as such, and if I say yes then it reports the number and blocks it on my phone.  I honestly can't remember the last time I was told that I'd been involved in an accident that wasn't my fault, or that Microsoft had detected a critical problem on my computer.  I do still occasionally get calls advising that HMRC is about to sue me (they never have).

I'm often surprised that so many people complain about unsolicited calls when there are effective and straightforward technological solutions available.

* This is the phone we have.  According to BT's web site, all their current phones have trueCall call screening these days.

"I'm good" is the standard response in America, where the adverb is becoming defunct. So, when in America, I often reply "I'm good, and I'm well"!

"I'm Real"