UKC

UKC user Lizard Ollie (Ollie Thomas) has scoured the UKC logbooks notes and categorised the curious mix of comments left behind in the wake of joy, defeat, disappointment and angry weasels (yes, you'll just have to read on)...

Are you a Comedian? An Over-grader? A raconteur of the absurd? It's time to find out...

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In reply to UKC Articles:

Are all the screen grabs from Rob Greenwood's logbook!?!?

In reply to Duncan Campbell:

That and Misha's

In reply to Ramon Marin:


I was expecting a whole section dedicated to Misha.

In reply to Duncan Campbell:

Strangely I didn't actually recognise my own comments!

I did however tip-off the author that a quick look at both Misha and Wood for Trees' logbooks may be worth her while, as their comments are pure gold

In reply to:
Fun article, thanks.

Looking through the comments before you climb will usually take away your onsight, and you can't tell until you've read them. Most comments will give you more info /beta than the guidebook.

One of the big improvements on the logbooks was to require an extra click to reveal the comments. This allows the comments to be used for gear and move beta which is really useful. At the same time, this allows those who want to onsight to avoid them.

Like if you agree, dislike if you don't!

In reply to UKC Articles:

The comment about a climber getting someone's ashes scattered on them had me in stiches.

Here's one from my logbook. See if you can guess the route:

05/May AltLd dnf
Wow. What a shocker of a route. Our last route of two days climbing together - begun somewhere around our 30th pitch. We scrambled awkwardly up pitch 1 to the ledge, where Francis solemnly announced that he'd take the lead on pitch 2. I checked the guide and saw why... But, let him get on with it. He's normally a very fast climber, but really seemed to struggle - not only to make upward progress, but to move at all. "I'm getting quite a pump on", he said after 10 minutes of what appeared to be complete immobility. Eventually he got through to the belay ledge. I tried to follow, and managed only by means of extreme and varied use of profanity. At a certain point, all useful holds ceased, and I was forced to resort to full body jamming; though this latter was not so much a tactical choice as an inevitability, given the straitjacket character of that vile cleft. Having eventually reached the safe haven of the large chockstone below the ledge, I realised that I had somehow ended up sitting down, looking out of the crack; correcting this, I then found I'd also forgotten to clean a nut, and had to spend some time trying to remove it from behind a jammed block somewhere below my ankles. Reaching the belay ledge with relief at being able to breath deeply again, I geared up, everything on my right-hand side, and set off, feeling slightly more cheerful, for pitch three. However, at the top of the pinnacle I began to have second thoughts. Francis cajoled me and I began feeding myself into the chimney, before quickly realising that I was just too big. I consider myself fairly slender, but my chest wouldn't squeeze into the crack, jammed between my nipples and my shoulder blades. Even plentiful profanity couldn't lubricate my progress this time. "Try and crawl in", Francis helpful suggested. I gave it a half-hearted go, and then began to abort. Perched back on the spike, I couldn't believe what had occurred, tried to measure the chimney crack with my eyes, and eventually went back up for another investigation. But, again - too wide. I was just too damn wide for the damn crack. As I tried to abseil off the garlands of tat out of the left-hand chimney, with my hands jammed against my sides and an undercut chockstone threatening to nut me as I descended past it, I may well have exclaimed: "Those Abraham brothers must have been a skinny pair of underfed bastards." I've certainly failed on climbs before because I wasn't nimble enough, quick enough, clever enough or strong enough - but never before because I was just too damn wide.

In reply to Dan Arkle:


I think the only reason for this was to reduce space on the page. I notice that those routes with only a few ascents logged still have the comments visible, while really popular stuff doesn't.

In reply to Dan Arkle:

Then again you could always throw away the guidebook and climb what you see and try to guess the grade. An interesting experiment which I use occasionally, sometimes getting a lot more than I bargained for!

In reply to C Witter:
I'm guessing Monolith Crack, Ogwen area, but it was over 40 years ago that i suffered here. i didn't know it was an Abraham Brother's climb? ps. I'm fortunately very slim!

In reply to Sean Kelly:

Wow! Guessed in one! Yep, apparently they travelled over from the Lakes and put it up in 1905! Bugger of a route!

In reply to UKC Articles:

One of my favorites from a partners entry in her log book for Physiology (VD):

"Found the chimney pretty hard work. Luke arrived at the top on second covered in blood and looking like halloween having split his whole eyelid wide open 'retrieving' a wire. Then we went to hospital. Then Luke had surgery on his eye. Renamed this route Opthalmology in our guide book .-)"

Was climbing with her the other day and indeed the guidebook has been appropriately altered.

In reply to UKC Articles:

Misha's Comment: Chapter 1 - Mantelshelfing off the Belay.

In reply to UKC Articles:

My favourite, although no idea where it is now, was one where the recorder was adamant, at some length, that he would not record his dogged ascent as dogged...even though he admitted he's rested on the rope ...but it wasn't dogged you understand?!

In reply to Tom Ripley Mountain Guide:
I've always enjoyed reading Misha's comments. You feel like you were there sometimes....

Amused/disappointed to see the 35 pitch Westgrat on the Salbit reduced to: "Oufff... long!", when a single pitch E2 in Wales can get twenty lines of text Come on Misha, your fans need you!

In reply to jbrom:

Wondered whether you would pop up here!

In reply to UKC Articles:

Good work, Ollie. Very enjoyable.

In reply to ChrisBrooke:
Didn’t know I had a fan club! The big routes in the Alps and Scotland go on Facebook and then I often never get round to writing up the logbook. Although that comment on the Westgrat is about right!

Other than the beta laden one for a sport route at Brean (purely so I remember next time), don’t think any of these are actually mine? Or are they? May be the Sharpnose one - the whole crag is the epitome of overgrading! Or the ‘beautiful wall’ but really can’t remember...

I think my masterpiece is the log for Darkinbad the Brightdayler (E5 6a).

In reply to Misha:


Excellent, a good read! Pasted below for convenience!

Rapid gasps of fear, lost amongst the roar of the sea. Can't reverse the moves, too precarious. Sharp angled back breaker of a boulder, lurking below, waiting for its prey. The dark oppressive wall, uncaring, smirking. It knows it will outlast me, now more than ever. Why, just why?! Dab some chalk on the layaway. Makes it look better, standing out from the blankness that surrounds it. Rationalise the situation, or try to. Feet on, in balance, handholds not great but good enough to shake out. Next few moves look tricky but I'm not going anywhere. Not up, not down and the latter is all that matters right now. Relax the grip. Breathe. A crimp! I can do crimps, I understand them in their simplicity, they are my friends, a friendship built on countless limestone routes. This isn't limestone though, this is - I don't know what the hell this is, Phil said it's pillow lava and now I've made my bed and I must lie in it. That's it, a lie, it's all a lie! The guide book said bold to the ledge at eight metres, why couldn't it just say unprotected, fluffable and scary? Littlejohn must have had gonads the size of watermelons. Breathe. Focus. No place for a foot to pop. Try to appear calm and collected, out of spotting range now, wouldn't want Phil getting too concerned. Next move doesn't look too bad. More chalk, the fairy dust of confidence. The mind clears. Make the move, over in a flash. Repeat... Better holds now and then the ledge, sloping of course. Finger ledges up the sidewall, a crack, gear! I will live to tell the tale on Facebook after all. Can afford to look around and take in the surroundings now. The face above is welcoming, its cracks promising safe conduct through a labyrinth to be unravelled, the line snaking around in search of features and challenge. The rock is lighter in colour and the afternoon sun is pulling round and burning off the clouds, promising a brighter day to erase the dark and bad memories of an experience not to be repeated any time soon. Or at least not until the rat starts gnawing again...

In reply to ChrisBrooke:
Here you go, got round to writing up one of my more memorable experiences of this year... Pilier Sud Barre des Ecrins (TD 5c)

In reply to Misha:

Brilliant!

In reply to Jon Stewart:
Fancy some Alpine climbing?

In reply to Misha:

I did until I read that...



(not actually true, sounds awful anyway)

In reply to Misha:

Jeez, rather you than me.

In reply to ChrisBrooke:
It’s not that bad really... a route to do if you’re after an experience.

In reply to C Witter:

Ashes - that would be me on Midnight Cowboy. A scary experience when handfuls of whatever were getting stuck in my eyes on a runout slab, so you can imagine (having not figured out the situation) I wasn't exactly holding back on the shouting. Glad I entertained somebody.

PS guessed your route from the last sentence alone, but see I'm too late to that party

In reply to UKC Articles:

Ah, come on, the Donald Trump wall quote clearly belongs in the comedian category!

In reply to henwardian:
"On Matts go he selfishly fell from the last move twisting his ankle so I had to hump all the kit back to the car! He'll do anything to get out of carrying stuff that one! Ha ha!"

My little brothers comment on my heroic effort on In Memoriam (E4 6a); this one made me laugh after the swelling in my ankle went down a bit.