The details of my life are quite inconsequential.... Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving chip shop owner from Auchtermuchty with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15-year-old Glaswegian prostitute named Senga with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented Mcewan's Export. Sometimes, he would accuse neds of being haemosexual. The sort of general malaise that only the insane possess and the genius lament... My childhood was typical: summers in Glen Clova... headbutting lessons... In the spring, we'd make haggis helmets... When I was insolent I was placed in a jute bag and beaten with cans of iron brew — pretty standard, really. At the age of 15, I received my first set of false teeth. At the age of 17 I went to evil medical school. At the age of 31, a Valkyrie named Eloise ritualistically shaved my testicles — there really is nothing like a shorn scrotum — it's quite breathtaking... I suggest you try it.
Best Climbing Experience Virgin Crack in Legaston Quarry, Apocalypse in Ethiebeaton Quarry and my first E1, Red Wall in Glen Clova with Simon Stewart, on which I nearly died. Skinhead Moonstomp with Tim Neill, and Gogarth in general. Anything with Kim Greenald, Bruce Strachan or Stuart Cameron. Climbing in Mali with Twid, Ray & Louise, the trips to Pakistan, Patagonia and Madagascar. Arapiles. Men behaving badly in Mallorca, Mongolia, Cuba, Vietnam, China, Colombia and Oman that's right Tim, Seb, Mike, Garth and Neil I'm talking about you. Climbing trips with my gorgeous wife to Thailand, China, Bermuda, England, Scotland, New Zealand and elsewhere in the Polynesian triangle. Nowadays my best climbing experiences are in Bermuda.