UKC

8 yrs in and I can feel progress. This is absolutely ONLY for scaredy pusses - rock gods please scroll on by as there is nothing to see here. 

I had a day fighting Stanage diffs on Sunday, finished a pals lead then on my lead panicked like a demented octopus, sticking all my limbs into any available crack! Whilst demented octopus is unlikely to catch on, given I could neither see anything below my elbows or actually move, these days I could have a word with myself, swear a lot and then carry on. In a world of mind boggling grades that hardly sounds amazing but it is, it amazes me. I've cried and frozen on a wide variety of rock, I've retched whilst stuck fast atop a sport climb, attracted crowds wondering why anyone that scared would have set sail in the first place, if climbing is 90% head game I should have quit - maybe I would have done if I hadn't spawned a child mad keen. 

7 years ago, if invited outside I would give fair warning 'I'm rubbish, you will be both disappointed and frustrated', mostly people took heed but thankfully some climbers are stubborn and like a challenge. For 2 yrs I just seconded, badly and with much counselling. By yr 3 (I think) I started to lead and realised as I was terrified anyway it was less different than for people operating logically - and it involved TOYS! 

I developed a fine climbing rack with a little help from pals, it's a scared person's rack, it has something for everything and I take all of it - always. 

Eventually I had some good days outdoors as opposed to the same predictable groundhog day. I stopped thinking I should give up. I'm not sure when but I was eventually able to fall off on a top rope (HUGE milestone!), a few years later I could be lowered off (I remember someone remarking on my courage finishing climbs years earlier - they did not grasp that I had no choice as I was too scared to go down on a rope!). 

I found a niche, a patient (and quite good) belayer, this saw me out and about in a climbing crew and it meant I could pay back patience given me. And I have kept leading. 

I've led a few HVDs and even looked seriously at a severe the other day (obviously not at stanage where Diffs were mocking me!). 

Most of all I love outdoor trad now, and silly nights outdoor bouldering. I love it so much more than indoor, I feel at home belaying up every tom dick and harry who wants my rope after a lead. Grades mean nothing because I know when I have won a battle I would have lost 5 yrs ago, even if it is just getting my poop together after gong demented octopus on a diff! 

If I had to choose between starting the way I started or being good, being able to retain some dignity, then (and now when I'm scared enough) I would want to be good but now, almost all the time, even on a not so good day I wouldn't swap because I feel so bloody happy every time I manage to step above my gear, I feel every molecule of pleasure moving round an arete, my day is made with a canny tricam placement. I love climbing, I love rock, especially gritstone. And I want to spend more time at Stanage. 

Hopefully someone out there gets something from reading this. There are so many really cool people here and brilliant climbers - I've written it because I'd have wanted t read it 8 yrs ago. 

In reply to flopsicle:

Fear is a spectrum and you're braver than many people who wouldn't step off the ground. Everyone is scared to some extent, and you need an equal balance of perseverance to keep at something. A debilitating level of fear just means you have the perseverance of the saints to keep at it!

I'm often scared on lead. I find making moves I can't reverse (as long as I've rationalised the safety aspect) is the best way to make upward progress. That and swearing. Swearing helps. 

In reply to PaulJepson:

Swearing is good, as is humming 'Singing in the Rain' and making yourself smile while doing so

In reply to flopsicle:

You do know that Hard V Diff is the very worst grade in the book? Invariably baffling at some point. Just get on some nice soft and well-protected severes and you'll bloom!  Here's one I made earlier Serendipity (S 4a). 

BTW, this is the most heart-warming post I've seen on UKC for many a year.

In reply to flopsicle:

That's a nice post and great to see that your perseverance has paid off.  I would agree with the point made earlier - that sometimes the diffs and v. diffs are more awkward than severe graded routes.  One thing that helps with confidence is to stick with routes that are in balance as it gives you time to contemplate the way ahead.  Anyway, a delight to read

In reply to flopsicle:

Great post. I really enjoyed reading this and, as someone just starting out leading trad, found it very encouraging. Thanks for sharing it.

In reply to flopsicle:

Great to read of your perseiverance.  There may be hope for me yet. 

In reply to flopsicleI know this feeling well. After a recent knock to my confidence iv gone from leading severe to getting shacky legged on diffs. Iv been debating if i should give up also as it seems like no matter how hard i try i never improve to the standard most seem to archive with ease..

But your post was a reminder that its a privilege to try these things and enjoyment can be found with the smallest sense of achievements even if they are small when you start playing the comparison game. 

In reply to flopsicle:

Wow! So many lovely replies! I am starting to look at severes but not making any promises! 

I'm back to work after annual leave and missing climbing already. 

It's a sport made by hard lumpy stuff and people.  

In reply to flopsicle:

Loved reading this, I can relate!

I would suggest Bishops route at Stanage as an awesome Severe. Is in 2 parts. Nice ledge to collect yourself before the top and loads of gear.

Bishop's Route (S 4a)

In reply to flopsicle:

Loved this post, the most honest I’ve seen on here for ages. I was always held back by an inner conviction that I would make a critical mistake at some point. Now held back a bit more by advancing years but not dead yet so there you go!

In reply to Euan McKendrick:

Second that - it was one I was thinking of recommending. No, I mean lead it. Two others which I seem to remember as good and well protected are Twisting Crack (S 4a) and Eric's Eliminate (S 4a) which happen to be adjacent. 

In reply to flopsicle:

I have always had fear issues. If I am outside in the sun i top rope. If i climb something clean without falling off I am happy. Its all about the moves.I do like fiddling with my gear though.

In reply to flopsicle:

And then I led 2 severes, a Windgather warm up and then at Stanage Plantation.... missippi crack and something about a holly bush!

I've looked at Bishop's route too......

In reply to flopsicle:

Well done (first sentence). Next time do it (second sentence).

In reply to flopsicle:

This makes great reading, thanks for sharing. It's made me look forward to struggling through my next tricky lead.