UKC

Two competitions. One a poetry contest, one a video advert competition. The topic - MIDGES. The Product - The Outdoor Research Bug Bucket (and Sun hat). The prizes are substantial. Ten Outdoor Research Bug Buckets and £500 in additional Outdoor Research gear.

Read more at http://www.ukclimbing.com/articles/page.php?id=1864

POST YOUR POEMS ON THIS THREAD

ENDS FRIDAY 3rd JULY


Dead simple. No special skills involved. Anyone can enter. Simply write a poem about midges - in any form you like; an ode, lyrical, a sonnet, free verse, an epitaph - yes an epitaph, or an elegy, perhaps even a dramatic monologue and if you want to be really clever - an acrostic.

Very simple to enter to. Just post your poem on this thread.

The best five poems as judged by Steve Roberts and the team at The Mountain Boot Company each get an Outdoor Research Bug Bucket AND you then have to take a photo of you wearing it and send it back to us (mick@ukclimbing.com)and we shall publish the five poems with photos of their authors wearing Bug Buckets in a special article.

Full details about this competition here: http://www.ukclimbing.com/articles/page.php?id=1864

Including PART TWO Bug Bucket Video Advert Competition...... with prizes totalling £500 of Outdoor Research gear.

Good luck.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Midge. By Liam Lonsdale


Midges, oh midges, the vain of our life,
Causing pain, stress and terror, loathing and strife.
Corrupting many a morning and many an eve,
Forcing the donning of a head net and an extra long sleeve.
On the highlands of Scotland, the valleys and Dale,
O'er lakes, o'er land, o'er hill, crag and vale.
You plague us and bite us, while we swat and we curse,
We scratch our skin away only making it worse.
And for what may I ask is the moral to the story?
Use 100% Deet and bask in midge free glory.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Here's a little ditty. You can probably tell how bored I am today!

Most countries, states and still proud nations,
When trumpeting their reputations,
Will offer up their best locations,
To tempt the tourist population.

The tv films show gorgeous vistas,
City lights and pretty sisters.
This might get YOU off and packing,
But in my view there's something lacking.

The thing that has my full attention,
Those travel brochures never mention.
I need the lowdown, urgently,
On creatures with a taste for ME.

Exotic trippers know what's coming,
Long before they hear it humming,
A host of suckers, ticks and cleggs,
Snacking sweetly on their legs.

Back here at home we think we're sorted,
All our dangers are imported.
Yet in the woods there's something waiting,
Time to don your armour-plating.

In foolish youth, a bug that size,
Would have no status in my eyes,
But now I flee before the legions
Heading for my nether regions.

Now, some will decide to stay outdoors,
To flail about their campsite chores,
Or sit imprisoned in their cars
Scratching at their spots and scars.

Grown men will fill the air with screams
Or smear themselves with female creams.
But no-one can avoid the gaze
Of insect armies on warm days.

To those for whom this strikes a chord
Don't curse the Scottish Tourist Board
Just bow before the midge marauder
And slope back south down past the border.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

I love being a midge. By Terry the Midge (written on behalf of Terry by Liam Lonsdale)

I love being a midge, darting around in mid-flight,
I love being a midge, morning, noon and night.
I love being a midge, sucking blood all day through,
I love being a midge, on your skin I will chew.
I love being a midge, in a swarm with the lads,
I love being a midge, getting a bite on your 'nads.
I love being a midge, i'm insecta nematoceran diptera,
I love being a midge, can i make it any clearer???
But oh what is this...?
A mighty strong hand. It's swooping and swatting.
But where will it land?
Oh damn, i'm not stopping.
Not me, i'm innocent i swear!
Got to fly away quick, oh this isn't fair...
**SQUASH**
I hate being a midge.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Midges mozzies, nats and g-nats
They are all the same.
High pitch wines are impending pain.
Spindly legs, fine wire wings all rain down.
Long proboscis plunged deep into tasty spots.
Sucking up rich blood, long and draw out.
They leave on their way full and laden.
Lines of bites repeated over a walking meal.
No section is sacred
Ankle, arm and around the eye
Middle, midriff, wrist and shoulder,
Any where left bare, is fair game.
Inner thigh, how did it get there?
The skin rises with red welts.
An itching every inch.
Dark middle ring ragged.
Further out, still more pink.
With Creams and pills over a week to recede.
With scabs and scars
The walking wounded,
beaten by the smallest of attackers

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:


A breeze of nothingness
one can dance
But comes the calm....
breath of my spirit released
and an evil senses.
Appearing from the midst of time
it's suffering hath no cure.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Here come the midges?

Here come the midges! The midges! The midges!
Here come the midges, we'll never get away!
Here come the midges! The midges! The midges!
Here come the midges and they are here to stay.

An army of the blighters have come here just to bite us,
We swat them and we slap them all the live long day.
A swarm of the wee biters are here and how they blight us,
No matter what we do, they just will not go away!

Here come the midges! The midges! The midges!
Here come the midges, don't try to run away.
Here come the midges! The midges! The midges!
Here come the midges, you better start to pray!

Repellent resistant, these bugs are quite persistent,
They chase us with their micro-fangs, keen to sink them in.
Deet don't deter them, our slaps get nowhere near them.
We'll fight all day but come what may we will never win.

Here come the people! The people! The people!
Here come the people, let's hope they're here to stay.
Here come the people! The people! The people!
Here come the people, human flesh sauté!

They tempt us, they lure us, there's nothing that can cure us
Of “eating out”on still warm days-- our memory will not fade.
We bite them and we suck them, just see us digging in;
Now they spray a bit of Deet, our favourite marinade!

Here come the people! The people! The people!
Here come the people, shhh now don't scare them away!
Here come the people! The people! The people!
Here come the people and dinner's served today.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

small but myriad
felt in still damp summer shade
midges take control

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

I was climbing in the Glen
forgot my midge net; never again.
Bitten all over my face I was,
agony because...
a girl I like thinks I have acne

Thers no more snow
The midge flies low
Discreetly at first
In a short little bust
Then whiff of my sweat
Gets them all wet
I know its not Good
but they feast on my blood
This pain must stop
So the poor midge gets swot

THE SCOTTISH MONSTER


Through Glen & Burn
and wind swept Loch
Through peaty bogs and Crag
The Highlands beauty knows no bounds
but as with Zig comes Zag..

The monster does not live in Loch
or in the deep blue sea
but swarms from every camping spot and ALWAYS swarms to me!

So This tiny little monster that causes all my grief
is the bloody biting Scottish Midge
found from Assynt down to Crieff.

I don my special head gear and daubed myself in Deet
but I guarantee the midge will bite
from my head down to my feet
AARGH.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:
here goes...

Midges. Little Buggers.

I dislike midges,
They bite me,
It itches.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Sat in the car, when I should be out there with the others
and still I'm covered in the little midgy buggers.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Culicoides impunctatus
Turns us into outdoor martyrs.

Skin So Soft
Don't help a bit
Against this tiny
Piece of

God's wonderful tapestry.

In reply to ericoides: Very Good!

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Funnily enough I wrote this on the poetry thread the other week....

day fades to dusk and on comes
an encompassing swarm
of soft black dots.
infuriating as they hit,
no care for sensitive bits,
eyes or ears. Wave a hand to
swat, wipe away the midges
and they squish. But
too late, they bit,
and remnants left on skin.
Strip of welts across
and up my back
itchy and inflamed red,
and embarassing extras,
bikini line and bum cheeks

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Polldubh?
It's true!

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Some great stuff here, but everyone seems to hate them. Here's a different perspective...

In defence of the midge

Laybacking boldly
Gear - if only!
Fives Tens are slipping
Fear is creeping
Half way up Archangel
Seems this won't end well...

What you need here
Is ignore the fear
Shut off your mind
So you can find
The mental ability
To overcome gravity

Unbearable pain
Sears you brain
It's the little beast
Starting his feast
You just have to get away
There is no other way

At once you find the courage
And the last moves you manage
Got to escape the ordeal
To avoid being his meal
One last desperate reach
And you've beaten the midge

"That was M8!"
You say to your mate
"That little bastard
Sure propelled me upward"
And you thank your lucky stars
As you itch and rub your scars

The moral of the story
Is you should feel sorry
Try to contain your anger
And satiate his hunger
For you might get saved by a midge
When you try to onsight Master's Itch

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Mark but this midgee, and mark in this,
How little that which thou deny'st me is;

Me it sucked first, and now sucks thee,
And in this midge our two bloods mingled be;

Confess it, this cannot be said
A sin, or shame, or loss of maidenhead,

Yet this enjoyes before it woo,
And pampered swells with one blood made of two,
And this, alas, is more than we would do.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

midges, midges you little shits
you bite my arms, my legs and you get on my tits
you come from the sky
you all deserve to die
I'd like to smash you all to bits

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Not sure about those epitaphs and elegies (for the victims or the perpetrators?), can't do another haiku or epigram, but here's a silly limerick:

The classic and sharp Cuillin ridge
May be marred by the murderous midge...
From May to September
It pays to remember
You'd better not cross that Skye Bridge!

tiny size ne,er walk but flies, its power unsurpassed
in certain dampened Scottish glens its numbers can be vast.
voracious appetite for blood drives wee beasties on,
and wo-betide bare skin and hide for them to feast upon

we can try our best to repel the midge with lotion, cream and sprays
but a certain part of me admires
the the beastie and its ways.

the best advice that i ever heard to avoid the biting fly
was to spend your summers in torbay, and only winters up on Skye!.

In reply to Fawksey:

I saw what you Donne there...

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Midge Haiku:

Summer’s whining itch
Swirling black clouds of menace
Bitter pints indoors

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Midge, you're a highland pox
Midge Ure's in Ultravox

In reply to Martin76: nice one

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Recent research shows that jungle birds would scratch themselves much more often if they could, for instance if they were fortunate enough to have fingernails instead of just feathers; a finding that inspired, but in no way excuses, the following...

I tell ya now and I tell ya reet
Them midgey bastards like to eat
Owt can stagger on two feet
So stay at home and save yer DEET
Or face it that you're nowt but meat
That sits inside a flimsy sheet
Sleeping bag in't tent all neet
Itchin like a parakeet
With just feathers.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:
Midges
I sit here in my tent so warm,
Only to be plagued by a loathsome hoard.
They get me in my portable dorm,
I feel like they’re midge lords.

I sit with my lovely life systems spray,
Only to find they’ve gone away.
I sit back down to have some rest,
Then it feels like a midge nest.

I have a trick to get rid of them
I’ll throw my socks out the tent.
I open the zip and release the infeminine socks
I soon realise I ‘m out of repellant

I lie back down and take the worst,
Only to realise my face is first.
I dive to get my lovely net,
But it seems to be outside the tent.

I soon realise it’s gonna happen,
I might as well start a’wrappen.
I get out my brilliant rucksack liner,
And turn it into a human hider.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:
Dating from, believe it or not, 2005:
http://www.ukclimbing.com/forums/t.php?t=134759&v=1#x1870301

In reply to Wingnut:

I had been waiting for you Wingnut.

You can tell it's midge season - the whole forum's exploded with threads on how to kill the poor little buggers. You wouldn't like it if everyone hated *you* like that, would you . . . so next time you see a midge, at least have the courtesy to greet it by name and apologise profusely before you squash it!

People hate me so they do and I don’t know why
They hate me just for living, sad to say
When I try to introduce myself they turn on me
They try hard to kill me every day.
They will squash me on the campsite, they’ll squash me at the crag
They will spray me on every Scottish ridge
Or take a giant fly-swat and chase me down the path
With a cry of “Kill it – kill the midge!”

So if you think your life is dire,
I’d suggest that you enquire
What it’s like to be a lonely midge!

I met this lady climber up on Stanage Edge
A beautiful girl with long blonde hair
Smooth suntanned skin and gorgeous shapely breasts
I found that I loved this girl so fair.
I wished with desperation I could have this lass
I hoped I could kiss her lips so sweet
Then she reached her lovely hand out in a way most elegant
And picked up a great big can of DEET!

So if you think your life is dire,
I’d suggest that you enquire
What it’s like to be a lonely midge!

I’m an intellectual insect – I will happily debate
Any interesting matter you can name
But when I make my argument no-one wants to know
The response is always just the same
First of all they will ignore me and then they loudly swear
That my presence is a problem without doubt
Then they burn citronella by the bushel and the ton
And wait for the fumes to drive me out!

So if you think your life is dire,
I’d suggest that you enquire
What it’s like to be a lonely midge!

I’m very miserable – I’m a midge without a friend.
I have a very boring social life.
At every opportunity I try to make a friend or three
But it brings me more trouble and more strife.
For they’ll squash me on the campsite, they’ll squash me at the crag
They will spray me on every Scottish ridge
Or take a giant fly-swat and chase me down the path
With a cry of “Kill it – kill the midge!”

So if you think your life is dire,
I’d suggest that you enquire
What it’s like to be a lonely midge!
Yes, really do enquire
For you’ll find it’s rather dire
To be a sad, much-hated midge!

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:


Dating

She loved, then she left.
'Just popping for a drink,' she said.

Should I care? I've got the best spot
On the moor, behind this rock.
I've done my thing - deserve a rest.

Will I meet her again, all stripes and smiles?

I followed the last one in the haze,
Found her dancing in some shadow,
Her and her crowd spinning in the smoke
of a pink beast.

As it waved they moved, in thrall.

Plenty more fish, I say.
Perhaps the next will stay
Awhile.

In reply to Martin76: That's brilliant!

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Cupped in a warm palm of sunlight
beneath a jutting prow we tie together,
check our knots, brazen out the doubt.
Heights are easy. The bubbling fear won't win,
nor the blushing self-consciousness of chemistry
as you brush a chalk mark from my cheek.
Our trust is well earned, stronger than granite;
this rope a metaphor for something deeper.
Yet defeat still lurks - inevitable as the sinking sun -
the evening arrives on tiny wings and the air
is filled with maddening distraction.

In reply to Alyson:

Excellent

In reply to waterbaby: Thank you. I started one called The Noble Midge but I couldn't make him sound quite noble enough and it all descended into double entendre for some reason so I discarded that one!

More please: one week to go.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

My first is in humidity, but never in frost
I find the next swarming hillsides, but not on the tops
Discover them in the daytime, avoid them at night
Grief peaks in August, but December's alright
Escape from the valley, summits are clear
So end misery with skin-so-soft, itches with beer.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

To a Midge

Wee sleekit, anoyin, monstrous beastie,
O what a pain in my breastie!
I will need to run t’pub hasty,
You eat us like cattle.
Avon bottle won’t halt thee.
Y’ make summer campin’ a battle.

I’m truly sorry the climber’s dominion,
Of crags and hills is spoilt,
By what is in my humble opinion,
The greatest of nature’s blight,
This ever present winged companion,
That spoils every windless night!

As winter storms lay crags to waste,
Snow and ice are comin’ fast.
Axe and crampons sharpened in haste.
The Ben may be a frightenin’ place,
December hot aches are not to all’s taste,
But at least then th’ midgie spares y’ face.

Still the midge is blessed, compared to me.
To find fulfilment so rapidly,
While I must climb to seek my heaven,
He just sinks his jaw so happily,
That bite to him is like my E - eleven.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Midges

‘Pinhead’ she said
‘What’ I said
‘Size of,
the blighters that are biting my head’
‘I’ll spark up’ she said
‘That’ll render ‘em dead
at least that’s what I’ve read’
‘Chain smoke’ said I
‘So I can emerge from the hood
under which, I’m trying to hide.’

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

In winter we stay in deep freeze
In spring we blow past in the breeze
Summer is when we best excel
We'll bite your bum in autumn aswell

We live in clouds or so it seems
Over all the Scottish regions
Bare your flesh if you dare
We are the Midge Legions

Skin So Soft won't stop us
Nor Jungle Formula and Deet
Forget your stupid potions
We'll still bite your ankles and feet

When it rains you all come out
You think that we won't fly
The bad news is that we don't care
We'll bite you till you cry.

Attack Formation for a raid
Under Squadron Leader Bader
You'd better be very afraid
We're just past Auchterarder



Mel

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Midges...argh!






Midge, midge ya sneaky wee bug
I hear ye buzzing aboot near my lug
No matter what potions an lotions i try
You sink yer wee teeth in, i let oot a cry.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

Midge Haiku:

as climbers dangle
enticingly, we hunger
for hot chalky blood

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

I think Martin70's and Alyson's entries are both really excellent, very impressive.

Here's my effort, for what it's worth:


Fire and Teeth


“Fight fliers with fire!” George grinned,
squinting through the smoke of his cigar.
An agitation of midges
flirted with his exhalations,
thwarted.

Lee was not so lucky.
Curses, then the pub,
his fresh, red freckles burning.
“Do midges actually have teeth?” he mused,
between gulps of anaesthetic.

Goats have teeth and sheep have teeth.
Forest farmers felled or burned the wooded upland,
grazed their stock.
The land, denuded, waterlogged;
the wolf, the boar, the rowan, pine and birch
eradicated.

The midges proliferated.

Which should be the subject of our curses,
the midge, maternal, procreating,
or humans, ignorant of ecology?

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com: When are the winners of this competition going to be announced? It's been a while.

In reply to Alyson:

Next week. Before the next comp starts.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com: Cheers for the quick response Mick, that's good to know.

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

I think even the booker prize is settled with less deliberation than this!

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

And the winners are...............

In reply to nwclimber:



“I am suffering,” said Aulus to Julius,
“Itching and scratching and suffering as truly as
I stand here a legionary” (continued Aulus)
“A northern-legion legionary whose sufferings appal as
We stand here and watch them,
The stripy little terrorists
who come in o’er the ridges…
No not the Scotchmen!
I’m talking about the MIDGES!”

“You are suffering?” said Julius to Aulus.
“Tell me ’bout it, partner. You can make the call, as
You’re new here as legionary” (continued Julius),
“you’re fresh out from Rome, you’re not gibbering and drooly as
The twentieth year approaches where you stand here and watch them
Sadistic little parasites
Whose attention’s truly hidgeous…
No not the Scotchmen!
I’m talking about the MIDGES!”

“Let’s write to Rome, then,” said Aulus to Julius,
“Write to Emperor Hadrian and tell him it as truly as
It’s happening to us here” (continued Aulus)
“What northern legions need is his builders here to WALL US—
We need a WALL to catch them,
Lined with fire-forts that separate
The lands their plaguing bridges…
No not the Scotchmen!
I’m talking about the MIDGES!”

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:


And the winners are...............?

In reply to nwclimber:

Drumroll please! . . . .

In reply to Mick Ryan - UKClimbing.com:

That poor drummer must be knackered by now. So, in no particular order, the winners are...