In reply to csw:
Some good points there and it occured to me that I never really explained how I arrived at my current point, so this is my story.
I was born in to a C of E family and was sent to Sunday school, as most of us were, and for much the early part of my life God was a fact, everyone told me there was a God (and by everyone I mean parents, teachers, and any other authority figure, it was just generally assumed) and I went along with that. But when I entered secondary school I began to question things I couldn't reconcile a supposedly loving God with not just the suffering of the world but in the unfairness as I saw it in the selection of whether you went to heaven or Hell when you died. How did children who died in infancy fit in? How did people who never heard of Christ fit in? How did good people who simply didn't believe fit in? (Hell according to some I spoke too). I couldn't see it and I couldn't see any logic in the way people suffered or didn't suffer in their lives, so at the age of 11 or 12 I decided that God didn't exist. Nevertheless I still believed in ghosts and the supernatural as I had heard and seen them. Something was up or so I thought. I was introduced to Dennis Wheatley novels (all about magic and the supernatural) and after reading the “Devil and all his works” changed my mind and decided that God and the Devil were real and things were a lot more complex than I had previously thought. But what exactly were these “things”, if God was real then I wanted to understand him/her/it, not just in an intuitive way but in a practical real way. I wanted to know what made God tick, what God was, how God worked and how the whole of the supernatural fitted into that. Religion did not offer that to me, it only spoke about faith and trust, but faith and trust in what? So I suppose magic was the only logical course for me. By my teens I had read up on Theosopy, Spiritualism and of course the Golden Dawn, a magical society that emerged in the late Victorian era and based its teachings on a mix of Jewish Kabbalah, Indian, Greek and Egyptian mythology (the classics basically) and some medieval treatises on magic in the British Museum. I was keenly interested in the usual stuff, tarot cards, divination, and such but none of it answered any of the questions I wanted answering. Along with some friends I met at college we joined a “secret” magical society (name withheld for legal reasons) and began our “apprenticeship” in occultism doing small rituals and practicing visualisation and meditation, astral travel and such.
But it seemed very slow to us, and the dire warnings about endangering our sanity and souls did little to deter us from undertaking our own experiments.
We now come to life changing event number one.
As a part of these experiments we had been trying out a technique using a hotchpotch of Enochian (Elizabethan Angelic magic conjured up by John Dee and fraudster Mathew Kelly), and various meditations and rituals based around The Sacred Magic of Abra Melin the Mage (available from any good book store) to gain knowledge (and conversation) of ones Holy Guardian Angel (Higher Self). After some fairly dramatic events, in which I saw a shadowy figure in my room, which sent me into spasms of hot and cold and a racing heart as soon as I touched it (well you have to don’t you) and a lucid vision in which I was visited by three strange women in Victorian garb and a doppelganger who said he was my Higher Self, we reckoned that we were onto something BIG. The “Secret” society told us to rein it in, we didn’t and continued experimenting. At first we followed standard procedure but after completing a series of rituals using the Goetia (Lesser key of Solomon) we noticed that things had a certain pattern and began to think “well how is all this working? What is it that makes a ritual work? What kind of energies are we dealing with here?” So we formed our own order and drew up our own course work and, in an unprecedented step at the time, published our results.
For many years I practiced magic, always trying to refine it and chuck out the “junk” as I called it. We took on the work of psychologist Carl Jung and the Chaos theories (magic not physics) plus exploration of neo-Keltic Shamanism and the idea of earth forces. I thought I had it sussed but then one day…..
Life changing moment number two. An atheist friend said to me “Why try to explain the complexity of the universe with something even more complex?” Well that was easy I KNEW God existed and I could PROVE it. I had 20 years of magical experiments and forays into archane realms with fellow travellers as independent witnesses and what is more I had written it all down!!
So I went back to my notes and diaries and scoured them for verifiable accounts of the independent existence of phenomena. And, to my great surprise, I didn’t find any. To be sure I had a great many lucid and real seeming encounters, where others were present not one tallied exactly with mine. We all saw and experienced stuff, but it was different, and at the end of the day I could not swear that any of it had an objective reality beyond that of my own mind.
A real crisis of faith ensued as a very big wall of belief came crashing down.
So the result today is that the human mind is capable of some incredibly wonderful things and I take to heart the Buddhist phrase “You are what you think”. The world is what it is and if we want it to be a better place then it is up to us to do it ourselves.
So a bit long winded but that is the shortened version of my travels through belief to where I am today.