UKC

We've had lots of threads on old and new climbing terms, those we love and hate, but I can't find any on climbing insults/put downs. So in this season of goodwill to all, here are a few to get started:

C'mooon, its only VS

You couldn't fall off that even if you tried

I think I'd better lead the next pitch

Wher've you put the car keys?

But whats he/she done on grit?

I'm surprised to  be the  first.

It's soft for the grade.

Has your skirt got caught?

You are climbing like an Elvis impersonator with parkinsons.

Poetry in motion, Vogon poetry.

"You were looking really reall good there - then you started climbing"

"Do you need a sky hook?"

You were climbing like a bag of spanners! (heard in real life and a favourite)

'Have you considered just...[climbing/going up/etc]?'

I also quite like a couple from Joe Simpson's The Beckoning Silence:
'You are now below all major difficulties.'
'You've just displayed all the manual dexterity of an octopous on acid.'

Whilst on my hardest sport lead at the time (mildly overhanging 7a), found a hands free rest. 
"You're so Trad" and then walked off. Mates eh?

Not an insult but a great piss take I heard from some Brits climbing close to some Americans.

The yanks were typically American, you got dude, go crush it.

The Brits however wished each other well with its too hard for you, you'll never do it.

To my disliker above, these are insults, you are not supposed to like them

'Looking weak mate' - best dropped when you see the first hint of elvis-leg

Early Alan James cartoon I always liked.

Comment to partner who has just fallen off.

"Well done... you almost reached the hard bit"

Yeah that's it. Give it a 'failure brush'

Well you're not making the route look cool.

Unfortunately quite a few of the ones I've heard are at least vaguely sexist. Though I would take the standard "you're climbing like a girl" as a compliment on my footwork.

My favourite isn't really an insult, it's almost a sort of back-handed compliment.  When your partner is thugging their way up something steep and juggy: "I wish I was strong enough to climb as badly as you."

I suppose the old fashioned "man up princess" isn't acceptable these days.  

Of course when I did it, it was only graded HVS / it wasn't bolted / we didn't have cams in those days / that hold hadn't been chipped / it was raining 

Saw a leader take a real screamer from Barbarian once; my mate looked at me and in a very loud voice said ''no points in this year's Cool Fall of the Year award...'

Used at the wall: 'Been here long? ' or, in same vein "Coming to the end of your session?'. Not so bad if you can honestly answer yes.

'You want some beta?'

Yes, I think so. Interestingly, the vaguely sexist "skirt" thing posted earlier has now been deleted!

Nope, and I stand by it.

These insults are supposed to be good humoured fun between friends, not parliament.

Oh, my mistake, not it has.

Maybe, if they stay between friends, but I do wince slightly at seeing them here.

‘You’re going the wrong way’ when someone is trying to downclimb never seems to be appreciated

Its up there still when I looked?  

I have to say it doesn’t bother me particularly. 

Nothing 'vaguely' about it, unfortunately.

Two I've heard,

"Do Bears shit in the Hilton?"

"The Grylls are alive, with the sound of bullshit."

Best variation of this is “being less shit”, closely filled by “standing up”

Borrowed from Gunnery Sergeant Hartman

"You climb my obstacle like old people f***"

Whillans about himself:

Climbing like a ruptured duck
http://footlesscrow.blogspot.com/2015/06/don-whillansclimbing-like-ruptured...

This was a real conversation overheard between a couple who were climbing close to me last year...

When we arrived at the bottom of the crag she'd just led and lowered off a bolted 17 (about 5+.)  He then tied in with the obvious intention of top-roping it.  He tried very hard.  Really he did.  He huffed and puffed and hung on the rope and lowered to the ground and rested and gave it another go and listened to the shouted advice and tried different approaches, and still he couldn't get past the crux at the second bolt.  Eventually - after maybe half an hour - he gave up and lowered off, leaving her to climb it again to retrieve the gear.  She did this with great efficiency and lowered back to the ground.

Him:  "You did that quickly."

Her:  "Well it's only a 17."

Wonder if he's ever climbed again.

Suggested Christmas present for her: a course in social skills. Or, if they're sold out and to be 'vaguely sexist', a smack in the gob. Only joking.

"Yes, but I climbed it nicely" overheard between two supposed friends.

Entry in Ynnys log book by mate of mine " Jeremy Frost failed on Right Wall and his washing up....but at least he tried Right Wall.

There's one I remember directed at my efforts at artificial climbing

"Better than the circus!"

"I did that in boots last time."

All the gear, no idea...

Hey you - you're gannae die!

Heard from a Geordie bystander in response to the general applause as a mate completed a hard problem. This is both a putdown on technique and a compliment on strength: 'aye, but not twa poond o' weight oan his feet'.

There's belaying and there's f*cking belaying isn't there...

I admit I did take rather a long time on the hard moves on P2 Cochise in Mello but my mate who took a shot from over on one side said that the crystal clear photo had an exposure figure of 10seconds @ f256 which was completely uncalled for.

I heard someone state "don't fall off now or you will die" at the start of the traverse on Christmas Curry lady year, didn't go down very well!

Bobby pays out slack to sharpen Johnny's mind for the crux...

Overheard at the Idwal Slabs years ago, where two old boys were enjoying Hope.

The leader had completed the first pitch and was taking an interminable time to construct a belay. His long suffering second shouts up from the ground, “Charles?” “Yes?” floats down. “I do want you to be safe......but I don’t want to die of boredom!” 

While in Siurana, my friend (who has repointed 7c) was attempting a 40m chimney. Some Spaniards remarked:

"If it's his first 6a why did he pick the longest one at the crag?"

quit whining, start climbing

Leader: "Watch me here… really watch me now… I'm going for it this time, watch me… WATCH ME….

Belayer (with drab Scottish accent): "I'm watching Rab, but nothing's happening.

Which way is it?     Answer.  Up

hey Doug.    To rest is not to conquer. 

Are you sure you want to do ?  Route. 

When seeking advice. Boringly. Go for it. Should be alright. 

In similar vein, I remember a classic Yorkshire put-down, "You were going really well... until you got to the crux!"

One day, back in the mists of time, I was struggling on something at Ilkley (no longer have the faintest clue what).  A small crowd had gathered below. Up floated the dulcet tones of, "Mummy, mummy - that man's going to fall off!"  Aforesaid crowd cracked up. So did I. And, sure enough....

Joe Brown must have been the king of climbing put-downs. To Allan Austin, "I've always said you were the best climber to come out of Yorkshire... but then they're never any good, are they?"  Ouch!!

Mick

You’re just like a proper climber, except you’re weaker. 

I’ll send the Sherpas up now to make the tea. 

Do you always squeal when you fall?

“It’s beginning to get dark” (morning insult)

That's not really an insult though is it? More a 'helpful' comment to a mate, like 'is your harness done up?' 'those holds look loose' and 'come on ya big pouffe'

To the OP, I like 'the tide's coming in you know' when it's two hours before low water.

I like to describe one of my friends as 'ferociously weak'

Joe browns description of Trevor panther “the cycling window cleaner “

"I remember when sex was safe and climbing was dangerous"

Provoked response " Yes but you've always been a dedicated soloist in both fields"

What did Pete Livesey say when he was belaying a seconding Chris Bonington?  Something like "Come on, Chris, the winches are running out of petrol!"

"With good footwork you can take some of the weight off your knees"

You are to climbing what Myra Hindley is to child care

This is easily the best insult on the mountain/at the crag.

Also heard as "all the clobber, what a knobber.."

"You made that look hard"

And a great one when someone is looking gripped:

"Don't forget...........you're tied to a rope......"

All aimed at me:

"If it was as epic as you sounded it would be five grades higher"

"hurry up the Scouts want to toprope it"

"more chalk isn't going to make you stronger"

"if I am going to be stuck with this view of you all day, no more purple lycra"

"I could solo that blindfold in wellies"

etc. ad nauseam

Not quite put-downs, but quite funny (looking back). Me a newbie, him an incredibly caustic club member I (unfortunately) found myself climbing with a couple of times:

Him on belay above. As I approached belay, after struggling up a pitch which was way too hard for me...he comes into view and he's pointing a camera at me, and says: "Look as though you're enjoying it"!

Then, me bringing up two seconds on a route in the Dolomites...he's one of the two seconds...I hear a bellowed command barked up at me from below but can't work out what he's saying...bellowed command is repeated, this time loud and clear and with even greater gusto: "TAKE IN YOU TOSSER!!!". Fair comment, I guess.

climber to climber

You're nowt but an auld has been.

reply

You can't be a has been unless you,ve been a been.

Northumbrian classic!

I was once described in print as an "experienced all rounder". So I'm a quite old and not particularly good at any sort of climbing.......... (true).

Incompetent pillock... 

Have you not been well? 

On my second winter route ( Tower Ridge) I asked to rope up. As a guide stormed by with his clients in tow I heard, "There's always one..." 

"Just bloody climb it!  If you want to decorate it, come back at Christmas!"

To a leader who was faffing and placing excessive amounts of gear

Struggling leader to second, "I'm climbing like a fecking donkey", Me to leader,"I know, I noticed the improvement"

‘Have you tried being better?’

Feet like a concrete swan

I like the one I heard from the mouth of a small child - watching a member of my former club dithering on the crux of a route at Brimham Rocks. When the parents tried to usher the child away, a bright clear voice uttered the words "No Dad I want to watch - I think that lady's going to do a bungee jump in a minute".

One of the Smiths to a young(er) pretender - in the 80's?

Almost certainly.